When focus was lost, hope is found

I was asked to write about a habit I developed on the streets, and I knew this wouldn’t be easy—because I developed so many. The thing is, I don’t always see these habits until someone else points them out.

The habit I want to focus on is survival without focus. On the streets, focus isn’t necessary. Once you’re in survival mode, everything else becomes a distraction. It’s wash, rinse, repeat.

Attention to anything beyond survival feels like a luxury. Now, focus is mostly lost to me. It’s hard to regain, and it feels like a luxury I can’t afford. Writing is already helping me notice it—but even small tasks slip through the cracks. Yesterday, I waited until after dark to wash the dishes because I kept forgetting about them. Little things like that pile up.

I focused all my time and energy hustling up drug money. When I got dope sick I couldn’t make money. And nobody would make money on my behalf. 
I had run out of options. But survival mode doesn’t stop. Anyway I had to  hustle- there’s no call it a day button. You just make that paper. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat

I decided to break the law by putting on a wig to cash a check, that wasn’t me. I was shaking visibly as I pulled in the bank, it’s what caught the teller’s eye, first I’m sure. Needless to say it failed so I was really sick. And I just did something so morally off it screamed, Focus Nikki, Look what you’re doing. What have I just done?

There I sit stranded, sick, broke and all alone. It was my last straw. Writing this has taken me right back there, I’m in tears it’s so powerful to me That moment I began to open my eyes. Addiction doesn’t just steal your money or your home — it steals your ability to see what you’re becoming. I had let it take the last thing I had left in the world: my self-respect. Without that I was truly lost… I knew I would not make it at the rate I was falling. I wasn’t falling I was dying.

I decided I had one choice so I chose my life over drugs. It’s scary as hell but looking back  I almost just went home and got high. Thankfully I called an ambulance to get some help. I probably wouldn’t be here writing about it if I had chosen differently